Dispassionate word counts can kiss my ass

July 22nd, 2009

Argh. Why is it so hard to write 4 pgs a day?

I mean, it’s just 4 fucking pages. It’s not like I’m trying to whip together 20 pgs in one night. And yet, those goddamn 4 pages is as fun as waterboarding myself. It’s like making little papercuts inbetween my finger and toes, and dunking them in a fizzy hydrogen peroxide solution.

There’s a lot riding on my writing. We’re talking (uh huh) money. It’s not just about stroking my ego – it’s about paying my rent and student loans and maybe eating something other than $1 dumplings. And this is just…too real. It’s like meeting the perfect 10 girl and realizing that she has to take a shit like everyone else, too.

And it sucks, because I have to invest all this time and energy and faith in something that I don’t even know will pan out. It’s a risk, a gamble that is dispassionate. Unlike people, who can be manipulated – churning out a certain wordcount is a science. You can’t magically will an extra 1,000 words. You do it or you don’t.

I’m supposed to be done with the “Gloria + Tae” story. But I’m not. I feel like an utter failure.

So tonight I write like a fiend. If I have to stare at my screen yet again, I will. Fuck fuck fuck.

category: rants